|
|
Author: Yih
Written: May 2001
Disclaimer: All rights are Gainax Inc.
1-1: The Association (Which Does Not Imply Causation)
"BAKA!"
"BAKA!"
"BAKA!"
"Shinji?" murmured Rei softly. "She is calling you."
He lifted his head off of his pillow and glanced to where Rei was sitting on the edge of his bed. He studied her with an intensity often seen on his face now. Rei hadn't changed very much, physically. She had grown to resemble his okaasan even more so now than she had then. But she still look like the Rei he had always known, and it was comforting to him after so much had changed--that she was still the same. If anything, he liked her better now than he had then. She had grown more open in the years, interacting more with him, especially now. He found pleasure in her company.
"Shinji?"
"Hai?"
"She is calling you. Asuka."
"She doesn't want me," he responded. "She wants him."
Rei knew without asking who the 'him' was. Who didn't know? Asuka had been drooling about Kaji since she had come to Japan four long years ago. Now, that he had finally summoned the courage to ask Misato to marry him, Asuka seemed even more volatile than before. She wished she knew what made the second children so emotional. She, herself, wished she could be that expressive. But she knew it wasn't in her. She was who she was; there was no changing that.
"You do not know that."
"I know," he said confidently. "I've been living with her three years more than you have."
A glimmer of a smile appeared on her lips as she remembered the day she had first come to live with Misato, Shinji, and Asuka. She didn't really mind living with Misato; she didn't particularly want to live with Asuka; but she did want to live with Shinji. When Ikari-shirei had come to her, to offer her a chance to live in one of three choices: with Misato, Ritsuko, or Maya, she knew it would have to be Misato. She wanted to be around Shinji; she enjoyed being with him. If--if Ikari-shirei had offered his place, she might have chosen it. She didn't know whose company she really preferred.
"I think she wants you," Rei offered him her opinion.
It was rare for her to ever give her thoughts on something. Rei more often than not didn't speak, and when she did speak, it was usually just to make a statement. It was with these thoughts that Shinji knew he would have to consider what she said. Rei wasn't the type of person to say something that was without truth or meaningful in its own way. If anything, Rei was a truly honest person because she wasn't filled with an emotional outlook or anything to gain by lying. She was rational thinking at its best.
"BAKA!" Asuka screamed again.
"You should go to her."
He really didn't know why Asuka provoked Rei to say so much. When he wanted to get into a conversation with her, she would say 'hai' or 'lie,' and that would be all. But whenever Asuka was screaming at him to come to her beck and call or even when she did it for the hell of it, Rei told him to yield to her. And he would do it, for Rei. He found it satisfying to listen to Rei. It was like she was his mother.
When he had discovered more than three years ago that Rei was made of his mother's DNA, it made him feel ugly for having abnormal feelings for her. He had since shaken that off, and he had found that while Rei may have had his mother's genes, she wasn't really his mother. They were two completely different people on the outside. It was wrong to think of Rei as his mother.
"BAKA!"
He really didn't understand Asuka's continual need to scream at him almost every morning. It was so expected that he had become quite good at ignoring her until Rei told him that he should just go to her. He wondered himself if Rei did it so that the loud racket would stop. It undoubtedly upset Rei, who was use to a quietness because of years of living by herself. He wondered if she missed living by herself. Life with Asuka and Misato was hardly the peace she had once had with the solitude of her old apartment.
"BA--"
"I'm coming!" he said abruptly, cutting Asuka off.
"Make me breakfast right now!" she exclaimed sharply. "I'm ravenous!"
He wish he had the courage to tell Asuka in her face that he wasn't going to make breakfast for her like her 'house maid' anymore. However, he lacked the bravery to do that. He didn't like to admit it, but she could still scare him to death, even after all this time. He liked to think he had more of a backbone now than he had then, but truthfully though, Asuka had mellowed out slightly in the years. He hadn't really changed all that much.
"What would you like for breakfast?" he asked, hating himself for giving into her for the millionth, or was it the billionth time? He decided he had long ago lost count after knowing her for the first week of her permanent stay in Japan. Though, he did think he was giving in less now than he use to, or at least he'd like to think he was.
"Noodles!"
"What would you like, Rei?" he inquired, climbing out of his bed.
Asuka slid his door open, shaking the fragile frame. "Wonder girl, doesn't care does she? She'll eat whatever I want, right?"
"What would you like?" he asked again.
Rei glanced from the unusually awaken Asuka and back to the wrinkled Shinji. She shrugged and said nothing. She had done enough talking this morning, she decided. She got up from Shinji's bed and walked passed Asuka. She had her own chores to do this morning. She had to make her bed, brush her hair and teeth, and get dressed for school. It was enough to keep her out of Asuka's way until she had to eat with breakfast.
"Why is it that she never talks to me?!"
Shinji would have liked to tell her that it was because she was so brutally rude to Rei. He wanted to know why Asuka treated Rei so poorly, but then again, she showed him the same courtesy. He gave her the same answer as Rei; he shrugged his head. It was too early in the morning to get into a losing argument with her. He never seemed to be able to beat her in anything try as he might. It really was hopeless.
"Answer me!" she commanded him.
"What do you want me to answer?" he queried, knowing that he would probably be slapped.
"Oh! Nevermind! Just cook the noodles before I starve to death! Go! Go to the kitchen!"
Shinji stared at her retreating figure in amazement. He never thought Asuka would ever back down from anything. He supposed that it was a first. He didn't get to enjoy the feeling very long because Pen-pen agreed with Asuka. It was time to eat. Only Pen-pen couldn't tell him in words, the penguin settled for poking at Shinji's shins. Everyone had too easy of a time bossing him around. Even the bird that couldn't fly!
He grumbled mentally to himself before getting out the necessary ingredients to make the simple noodle dish. He was reminded by another peck that Pen-pen was not the only famished one in the house. Shinji took out Pen-pen's food and warmed it up before setting it in his dish. It wasn't long before Pen-pen had polished off his meal and was happily snoozing on the couch for his daily nap after breakfast.
Shinji had just finished breakfast when Rei came out and offered to help him. She was putting the food on the table when Asuka knocked her to the side and wolfed down the noodles. Shinji shook his head, Asuka was really hungry this morning. He almost smiled at her antics. He couldn't help but like her enthusiasm or her fieriness. He didn't even really mind her when she was beating up on him. She was the same Asuka as always.
He seated himself in between Asuka and Rei, helping himself to the food he had just cooked. He frowned when he saw a pair of underwear of both men's and women's right in his line of vision. It was too late to shove them out of Asuka's view. He swallowed with some difficulty, wondering how she would react to the blatant example of Misato and Kaji's relationship with each other.
"I guess they were at it again," Asuka muttered lamely.
"I guess so," Shinji responded pathetically.
"Do they do it more or is it just me?" she asked with an edge of anger in her voice.
"No, it isn't just you," he answered.
"Would you please move those--those things off the table!"
"Me?"
"Yes! You! Who else?" she yelled.
"Uh--"
"I don't care if you get a nose bleed, get it out of my sight! Or else I'll give you something worse than a nosebleed!" she threatened menacingly
Shinji just couldn't do it. Luckily, he didn't have to. Rei obliged both of them, to their surprise by pushing the boxer and panties onto the floor. She nodded to both of them pleasantly and sat back down in her seat. Shinji and Asuka continued to stare at her in shock. She blinked at them once before continuing to eat her meal. She didn't understand what was so strange about her actions. She just did what she did so Asuka wouldn't punish Shinji. She really didn't like to see Shinji get hurt. Besides, it was such a simple thing to do.
"Arigato," Shinji murmured.
Rei nodded. She finished the rest of her breakfast. She took the bowl and chopsticks and set them into the sink. Then, she walked to her room to get her supplies and books for school.
"Wonder girl really has changed," Asuka commented.
Shinji knew it was better not to say anything. He knew even the slightest thing would set her off. He didn't really blame her either. He would be to if he felt the way she had felt for Kaji. He thought it would be better if he just sat in companionable silence with her. Maybe then he could escape to school without setting off the anger that was waiting to burst. She hadn't been screaming 'baka' out early just for the fun of it.
"What are you staring at, baka?" she asked in a biting tone.
"Uh--" He was so sure he was going to die. He hated himself for feeling this way. He told himself over and over that he shouldn't be scared of Asuka. It was irrational, but it seemed that he couldn't stop feeling that way. He had long ago accepted he was a coward. Nothing was going to change that. He searched through his mind in a panic on how to answer Asuka in a way that would not direct her anger to him. "No--nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Y--yes."
"Stop stuttering! You're going to make us late for school! Hurry up and clean the dishes!"
Shinji stared at Asuka's back with slight resentment. He would like to know why she had to treat everyone like dirt. He still liked her, and he supposed he must not really mind her treating him like that if he still liked her. He still would like to be treated decently once in a while. But that was too much of a hope. He sighed and gathered up his and Asuka's dishes, putting them with Rei's. He washed them as he always washed them. He put them up in their place, and he went to his room to get ready for school.
He could tell it was going to be a long day.
Title: Indecision (2)
Written: May 31, 2001 and June 2001
1-2: When Bells Come Crashing Down
"Good morning, class," the new sensei greeted the students amicably.
All the students nodded and returned the greetings. The thoughts already forming swiftly in their heads that this wasn't going to be a very hard school year. The teacher seemed nice enough. They were already anticipating gaining control of the classroom through sheer force because they had heard their teacher was new. Besides, didn't they deserve it? They had been through hell the last few years as teachers scrambled to teach them everything that they thought had been missed by the Angel attacks, but the student populous knew the real tale. It was just an excuse to overwork them even more than they were being worked.
"I know I am a new teacher," he began, watching the students attention swing to him from their dissenting thoughts, "but I know how to teach, and even more important, I know how to make your life miserable." He almost smiled when he saw the looks they began to exchange with each other, which said clearly: 'is he serious'? "I am not here to make your life pleasant," he continued, "I am here to make you work until the day you leave this room. And I will make you work to get out of here." He felt them begin to sweat, but that wasn't enough. "Get your paper and writing utensil out immediately. You'll write your first homework assignment down right now."
"Sensei," Asuka declared, standing up from her seat, "I don't have any supplies with me."
"What do you expect me to do about that, Soryu-san?" demanded the sensei sharply.
"Can I borrow some from you desk?" she inquired candidly, gesturing to the ample supply.
"No," he answered bluntly. "You can just record my instructions for the homework in that carrot head of yours."
Touji and Kensuke snickered in the back of the room as Asuka shot them a glowering look. Hikari also helped Asuka by glaring at her steady boyfriend. Touji gave an apologetic look, then shot a warning look at Kensuke before quieting his laughter. Their amusement at Asuka's expense had also opened up the door for other guys that had long been admirers of her, but always crushed quickly to openly show their own delight in Asuka's putdown. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Asuka had deserved what she had received.
Asuka was tempted to stand up and bang some sense into everyone who was laughing, it took all she had not to show much more than stained red cheeks of embarassment. It was when she met Shinji's solemn eyes that she felt a peace spread throughout her. The fierce anger on her face seem to deepen as her eyes fell upon his, but really, deep inside her, the rage had lessen at the classes' response to sensei's remark. She watched as Shinji averted his gaze from her, looking down at his lap, avoiding her at whatever costs.
She fought the temptation to go up to Shinji and asked him why he was always so meek and forgiving and weak. She wanted to know why he was forever backing down from the slightest confrontation. If she were him, she'd be at the point of a fusion bomb explosion at any moment. Somehow he managed to keep it in, and she'd like to know how to he did it. There was a control to him, now, that perhaps hadn't been there before.
"You will finish the first three chapters of your Calculus BC book tonight! Do you understand me class?" the sensei nearly shouted his question. All the students nodded their heads, even Rei, who actually wasn't staring out the window. "But," the class held their breath, "since your last instructor assured me that you were quite adept on these subject matters, you will only have to do every other even." The class managed to stifle their groans when he added, "and if you complain, you can forget the every other even!" Every student tried very hard not to make a moan of protest. "I think the first three chapter has about a couple hundred problems, which means you will be very very busy. That means I will get to plan this month's harsh agenda!"
Hikari raised her hand up, wanting to ask a question. When the sensei nodded, she began by saying: "Is that all for homework?"
His eyebrows quirked, and he burst out laughing. She looked contrite until he calmed down from his boisterous laughter. "Do you want more work for tonight? That's no problem--let's see," the class stared on in horror as he grabbed a textbook and started flipping through, "thanks to this young lady," gesturing to Hikari, "you now have to read the first one hundred pages in this textbook. I think it's history. That means my class will be very very ahead for tomorrow, won't it?"
"Sir?" asked Touji with a gulp. "How are we suppose to finish this all?"
"How?" the sensei's expression darkened so suddenly, it was a wonder he didn't pop. "You will finish it by tomorrow or you'll get zeros in the grade book for incomplete material! I don't care if it's wrong, I want everything marked! So you'd better double check your math problems to make sure you didn't leave anything out! And thanks to this incompetent fool, you now can read another hundred pages in this textbook," he slammed down the physics book next to the history book, which happened to be on top of the Calculus book.
"Brilliant, stooge," remarked Asuka.
"And get ready to bow in eternal gratefulness to," he glanced at his student chart, "Soryu-san, who has just given you another hundred pages in the Government and Economics book! If this keeps up, I won't even have to teach a class! You'll all be done by tomorrow! What a wonder! I'll be proclaimed the best teacher ever! Such a revered title!"
Another student was about to speak, but his classmate next to him quickly covered his mouth to prevent him from speaking. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, there was no need to add to the monstrous amount of work the sensei had already assigned them. And they thought he was going to be easy, a new teacher! All they knew was that they were horribly wrong! If possible, this sensei was going to be their worst nightmare!
"Well what are you doing staring at each other with disbelief," he barked out," get to work!"
They didn't even attempt to argue with him. They considered it pointless, even their class representative for the last five years had failed in her tries to bring about a more proper homework. And no one wanted to fail this class. Life had been hard before, but it had been doable. Everyone was just wondering how doable it actually was as they glanced with speculation at their massive textbooks. They didn't have the slightest clue how they were going to do it.
"Let me give you a hint," the sense began, the students mentally started to pray, "I gave you a reading assignment, without questions, and even if I gave you a quiz, it could only be very general, right?" The students nodded in agreement. "So just read the damn summaries! And finish that Calculus BC assignment, I want to get to more interesting assignments before the weeks over."
The enormous weight was lifted off their shoulders and every student opened up their math book and began to do the problems, starting with question number two. A couple of the smarter student glanced to see where the end of chapter three was, on page one hundred seventy two. They were the ones that didn't rush, that worked through the book with ease, the sensei wasn't as mean as they thought he was. Each chapter only had three sections with a maximum of forty problems each. The workload wasn't as much as was previously thought.
Rei smiled within herself as she saw the concept of graphing a polar equation. She knew Shinji had had problems with this concept previously, but what if the sensei wasn't grading for accuracy? She hoped that he was. She wouldn't mind helping Shinji with his studies. She had tried to last year, without much success because she just wasn't use to talking enough to explain the problem adequately. Asuka often had to take over, but this year she vowed it would be different. She had worked on her speech the last few months, and she thought she had vastly improved upon it.
Even Ikari-shirei had remarked on the improvement of her vocal expression, or any expression at all, she didn't know which. But either way it spoke well of her communication skills if he even said something of it. She wondered if he was every lonely in the large condo he shared with no one. She was sorry that he hadn't been able to find his complete Yui in her, but even though she was a clone, she had wasn't wholly Yui. She had developed her own personality, and she wanted him to see her as she was. Ayanami Rei.
She didn't know if she liked Ikari-shirei or Ikari-kun more. It puzzled her that she didn't know. And there was no one she could confide in. Shinji was part of the problem. Asuka never seemed to want to talk to her, not that she tried to communicate with the red goddess anyhow. Misato didn't particularly want to associate with Ikari-shirei after NERV. And she knew the problem already. So there was no one to turn to.
And she supposed if she had to turn to anyone, it would have to be Ikari-kun.
She tried not to stare at Shinji too obviously, unless she wanted to stir Asuka's jealousy. Whatever Shinji wanted to believe, she knew that the red-headed pilot had some feelings for him. She wondered if she could even compete with such an emotional whirlwind. She didn't contemplate it long, deciding she liked looking at Shinji better than the dull scenery that never changed much every year. Besides, she'd have plenty of time to stare at the green grass later. She had an entire school year to learn every inch of the natural shrubbery.
Shinji felt the heated gaze of Asuka on him the minute she focused in on him. He hoped that she wasn't mad at him for not being able to control the minimal amount of laughter that had escaped his lips. He hadn't been able to help it. He hadn't really been laughing at her, he mentally tried to tell her. It was more of a laughing because the crowd was laughing. And why was he suddenly so scared of the gorgeous Asuka?
He shouldn't be scared of her. She was just a female, a very terrifying female. But he was a man, well a boy that would turn into a man. He shouldn't be afraid of her, and he wasn't. He just hated to make her mad; he hated to disappoint her. What he hated the most was hurting her. He didn't even understand his feelings that he had for her. It didn't make sense. But his feelings for Rei did make sense.
His head jerked up with this realization and met Rei's eyes. He didn't know what happened, but something did happen when they couldn't seem to tear their eyes away from each other. He thought it was the recognition of something akin to a bond. He wanted to know what she thought it was. He felt like he had never known her better than he did at that instance. He wished to know her a lot more, a lot better.
It was then that he turned his head a little and found Asuka's piercing gaze focused on him, penetrating through the shieldless air to target his face. It took his breath away. His lips trembled at the static he felt in the short distance they were apart. He was lost, so he bent his head down, catching it between his two hands. It was like he was in pain, a tremendous hurt.
God, he wanted both of them.
Title: Indecision (3)
Written: June 2001
1-3: Stopped Heart Not Beating
Even Asuka felt the unmistakable pull of something special that was in that simple, deceiving look. But there had definitely been more to it than just the straightforward action that it appeared to be. It made her smile inside to have such a connection with him. She hadn't felt this way before, it was new and slightly alarming, but she liked it. She had known for some time that her feelings were only negative ones about Shinji; she had a few positive ones she had kept to herself since Third Impact had come and gone. She wondered if he might feel the same way.
It was then that she caught him glancing away from her and focusing on Rei. She felt a deep anger rising up that came from the burning fiery core inside of her. She didn't want to admit it, but she was getting extremely jealous of wonder girl's relationship with Shinji. It wasn't that she wanted a relationship with Shinji, though she did admit, she wouldn't mind having one with him. She just felt that Rei was an outsider; and hadn't she been there from the very beginning? She should have been the one that had gotten closer to him over the summer, not wonder girl. But somehow, wonder girl had been able to get closer to Shinji than what she had ever accomplished.
She even considered that a relationship might be a plus if it would stop the progress of his and Rei's. She almost didn't believe she thought of Rei as Rei. It was almost impossible to believe it, but wonder girl wasn't so much of a doll anymore as she was slowly becoming a real flesh and blood person. She didn't even hold a grudge against her anymore about their first meeting. But she was afraid to show this side of her to Rei. She thought it made her seem weak, and she wanted to be anything but fragile in front of Rei. She was scared that maybe she might end up liking Rei at least as a person if not as a friend. She knew Rei was never going to be a close girlfriend, too many things had stood in their way. They knew too much damaging information about each other, and Shinji stood in the way as well. She wondered if Rei--wonder girl really had feelings for Shinji, and if she knew that Asuka preferred that he not have any for her. It was something she was always thinking of, contemplating. She assumed that Rei knew from what she had overheard in the conversation between the two of them this morning.
If anythign, she knew that Rei was a very discerning creature. It wasn't a big surprise for her to find this out; she had always thought Rei was an observer. She knew that she liked Shinji more than she wanted Shinji to know, and she certainly didn't want Rei to blurt that out. If she didn't know better, she could almost believe Rei was supporting her relationship with Shinji from the way they had exchanged words earlier. That she knew Rei didn't support wholeheartedly because she had seen the way Rei glanced at Shinji when she thought no one was looking, like the way she's looking at him now. But who was Shinji looking at like that?
Asuka met his deeply troubled eyes with vaguely cloudy eyes, her mind caught up in her thoughts. She was shaken to find that his eyes were on hers and not Rei's. She didn't think Rei was mad, Rei hardly ever showed a tremble of emotion. She was as different from Rei as the sun was of the moon. She breathed in deeply to gain some time to clear her thoughts of what she had just been thinking of. She felt as if she were on fire as his eyes didn't try to hide the reason why he was staring at her so openly. He was studying her with the warmest expression she had ever seen on any person's face. It was the way that she'd have liked Kaji to stare at her. She expelled the oxygen slowly, and she hoped it was even. She didn't want anybody to suspect anything. That's the last thing she needed right now. Maybe she might be able to help Shinji in the kitchen to prepare for dinner. There was a place they got along fabulously and where she felt superior to Rei in the his presense.
She stared back at Shinji with veiled eyes, every emotion that she felt for him wiped from sight. She thought her expression was kind; he thought she was going to bite his head off and call him 'hentai' for staring at her so openly in front of everyone. He didn't know why he was having such similar responses that he normally only had for Rei, a tenderness. But it really wasn't that surprising before Rei had come to live with them, a few days before he had even dreamt of having something with Asuka. He had since abandoned those childish fancies and hadn't thought back to it 'til now. Asuka had withdrawn into herself, and he had no longer felt close to her 'til now.
He wondered what had brought about the change in his mind. It couldn't have been from this morning, so it must have always been there. Or somehow in the simple gaze they had shared, it had opened up memories of their survival of what they had been through. He had never felt such a torrent of emotion as he had felt those several weeks after the end of Third Impact. He remember she had been angry more often, just like the weeks leading up to Third Impact, which might be why he was thinking these thoughts. The instances were so similar.
But maybe the cause of the anger was just Kaji and Misato's pending marriage. He hadn't even stooped to consider that it might possibly be because Rei and him might be the reason because how much closer they had grown during the sumer. Now that he considered that as the potential explanation for her bursts of short temper, it made more sense than the other one. Kaji and Misato's relationship had just been awaiting the next step, all of them knew it. He even recalled Ritsuko toasting them: "It's about time!"
So if the second reason was the real reason, that meant Asuka liked him. It was almost was impossible to believe. He imagined that Touji and Kensuke would be on their knees with laughter. The nagging feeling that it was true didn't stop bothering him. He hoped it was just his imagination that this was all occurring, he didn't want to have to hurt the two most important influences in his life. And if he wasn't dream or making this up, that certainly would be the case.
It hurt his head to think of such a complicated matter, he had vowed to himself if everything after Third Impact had Asuka or Rei in it, he wouldn't think of what might be and be thankful for what he had. But he had both of them, and he knew he had feelings for both of them. He just didn't think they felt the same for him. He knew now that Rei felt something for him, and with the look he had just exchanged with Asuka--and sweet past memories, it wasn't hard to believe that the impossible might be true--that Asuka liked him, too. He didn't want to have to make up his mind and just choose. He wanted to be close friends with both of them, hoping one day the might become good friends with each other as he was with them. He just never imagine that either of them would want him as anything more.
"Ikari Shinji!" the sensei sharply interrupted his thoughts. "Get back to work!"
Shinji stared at the blank sheet of paper and felt the walls of his brain begin to crumble. He wanted to know why life was so stressful. He needed to know why fate had exceeded all his expectations once again? Not only did he have the two most importan women in his life right next to him, left and right, he now was pretty sure they both returned the favor of his feelings for them. He wished they didn't. He sincerely wished they didn't. He had never expected much in his life, he was just plain Ikari Shinji, the short, brown-headed boy with average intelligence that just happened to be an Evangelion pilot.
He hadn't even wanted to do it in the first place. He had run away from his duty at the time of mankind's greatest need for his own selfish reasons. He knew he wasn't special; and he didn't deserve to be thought of in that way. Rei, Rei had been so brave and dutiful! Fulfilling her purpose, and in the end it had been for no good, but she had come back more beautiful than ever. Asuka, she had done the extraordinary! Coming out of comatose and battling NERV! And all he had ever done was run from the fight that he was needed in.
"Ikari Shinji!"
"Hai, sensei?"
Shinji turned around, looking side ways, wondering who had answered for him. It was when he reached back into the log of his hearing memory, he remembered the sound coming from the left side of his brain. He slowly shifted his head toward the distinctively feminine voice; Rei had answered for him. He glanced back to the stormy expression on the sensei's face and knew without a doubt that he wasn't pleased.
"Ayanami… Rei," the sensei said, looking up from the seating chart, "could you explain to me why you answered for him?"
The whole class stared at her with their undivided attention, most of them fascinated by this show of clear of something out of the the usually passive Rei. She opened her mouth, about to say something, but she closed it and set her pencil down. She folded her hands into her lap, and moved her head to face the window. When the sensei asked what she was doing, she didn't reply, just thought of what she could say to the sensei to defend Shinji to the best of her abilities.
The sensei was about to order the class to return to their studies when Rei spoke, "I have my answer for Ikari Shinji." A few people moved to get a better look, waiting for something totally unexpected. "It is because he was preoccupied by thoughts."
"Okay," the sensei replied, "class get back to work."
Shinji wore a smile of gratitude as he threw Rei a thankful look. Asuka secretly was irritated beyond anything she had ever experienced before by this blatant show of defense for Shinji! She knew that everyone would have Rei paired up with Shinji now, thinking how could they have not known that the two were so obviously going out together? She needed to talk to someone about these feelings that she had. But who to go to was the problem.
"I need some help with these problems," she heard Shinji whisper to Rei, trying not to draw the sensei's attentions. She couldn't believe it! Shinji always went to her when he had problems with homework, but now he was turning to Rei!? It was exactly as it had been before, a doll was replacing her again! First her mother, than now Shinji! Even if Rei was a rehabilitated doll, she had still been a doll! Why did she always lose to inanimated objects?
Rei nodded and began to show him how to do it with a simple execution that left no steps out, showing everything clearly and exactly as Asuka had always shown Shinji.
Title: Indecision (4)
Written: June 2001
1-4: A Foot in the Mouth
"You can stop holding your head like that," Asuka remarked at him as he clutched his head as if he were in extreme pain. He thought he had given her a pretty clear answer that he didn't want to talk to her or have anything to do with her! He hadn't hurried home as fast as he could and slid the door shut with an emphatic thump for nothing! But no she didn't get the clarity of it all! Not in the least bit! He didn't know whether he wanted to cry or laugh hysterically. He didn't know why she was doing what she was doing.
She had been giving him dirty looks all throughout the school day. And he was sick and tired of it! He didn't deserve Asuka's anger over a silly matter like asking Rei for her help! He really wanted to know what had caused this sudden irrational attack. He knew it had something to do with Rei, but he didn't get why she was so enraged. He didn't understand the second children, though he sorely wished he did.
"I know graphing polar equations are difficult for you," she continued, ignoring the wide eye stare he aimed at her. "I'll help you if you want, all you need to do is ask nicely, if Rei doesn't explain it clearly enough," she offered kindly. It wasn't often Asuka was deliberately nice to him, he could count on one hand how many times she had volunteered to help him. "Stop with that expression, it will ruin your childish looks."
He wanted to roll his eyes with exasperation. He'd like to remind him that he wasn't the one behaving like a child right now, she was! She was the one that was angry for no reason at all! It didn't make the slightest sense, though he'd really appreciate it if she clued him in to what was going on… right about now would have been nice. But no, things were never that easy, were they?
Shinji narrowed his gaze and threw a pillow from his bed at her. "I don't want your help," he replied coldly, not feeling like dealing with her presently. He had too many things to think about. It was then that Rei made her ill timed arrival, standing in the doorway, expectantly. "Please go away, Soryu-san."
"Hi, Rei-chan!" greeted Shinji warmly to Rei.
Asuka narrowed her eyes, glaring at him. She couldn't remember a time when he had called her by her surname, and so proper indeed! If anything, he should be calling her 'Asuka-chan' rather than Rei! The familiar term should be used with her, not Rei! She was fuming with jealousy. She should have left this instant, but she couldn't make herself go. She wanted to see what would happen, instead of wondering about it outside the closed doors. It didn't matter how much it hurt. She needed to know--if she was being replaced.
"Shinji-kun, do you need any help?" Rei asked solemnly, ignoring a wrathful Asuka. "You asked me to come earlier?"
"I knew it!" Asuka screamed, her bubble burst. She threw the pillow back at Shinji with an incredible force. "I knew it! You were just using me like all those rotten scum from before! You were just using me until you found someone better! So you found her in wonder girl, didn't you? I didn't know you two were all of a sudden kissy kissy! How long have you been going out, Shinji-kun? Is she a sweet fuck? Is that why you brought her back?"
His face was dangerously still; he ignored Asuka's rants. He got off his bed, and headed for the doorway. He paused and offered his hand to Rei. She took it after a moment's hesitation, and they walked out the door. He whispered so softly that Asuka barely made it out, "I'm sorry, Rei-chan. She shouldn't have said that. She was just being spiteful."
"I know," Rei replied as they both walked out on Asuka.
She couldn't believe this was happening to her again. Why did bad things always happen to her? It wasn't fair that Rei should have everything, while she had nothingnothing at all. Life wasn't fair. It had taken away so much from her. She only wondered if it was her fault from the very beginning--if only she hadn't treated Shinji so horribly--if only she had been nice to him like Rei. Then would she have won him?
"Why can't someone love me for me?" she whispered to herself.
Both of them knew they'd get no rest from Asuka's baleful looks, so they decided to depart for a leisurely walk at the park before coming back to tackle the homework assignment. It was a quiet walk to the park, a companionable silence that only comes from a comfortable relationship. They only sound either of them made was the tap their school shoes made on the concrete floor. Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
"You should not have said that," Rei stated as they came to a stop in front of the city built lake.
Shinji tossed a pretty pink rock he had found into the water, it traveled a good two to three skips before it plunged down into the blue liquid. He looked up at her and handed her a gray stone. "You give it a try," he urged, intentionally ignoring what she had just said. "Have you ever done this before?" he inquired while he demonstrated with a mud colored stone he had picked up.
She shook her head. "No," she answered. She watched his example one more time before trying. Her stone skipped further then his by a few skips, doubling the distance. She watched with vacant eyes as it finally splashed to its home at the bottom of the artificial lake. She hadn't meant to out do him, and wondered if he might be made that she did. She glanced side ways at him and found him smiling as if pleased. She almost smiled because his was so charming in its exuberance.
"You're very good," he complimented her. "You're much better than me. You've got to tell me your technique. It's much better than mine."
Rei smiled slightly, unsure of what to say to him. He saw the uncertainty in the awkward movement of her body and sighed happily. "You don't have to tell me, I bet it's one of the many secrets you've kept inside of you, isn't it? I bet you even know how to turn lead into gold, if you put your mind to it. You've got so many hidden treasures inside of you, and I just discovered one today," he reflected aloud with a bit of wonder in his voice. "Thank you for sharing."
"You're welcome, Shinji-kun," she answered, not really sure of what 'treasures' he was referring to. She guessed she would just have to dwell on it because she certainly couldn't ask Asuka unless she wanted her wrath placed upon her. Though she didn't like Asuka as much as she liked Shinji, she tolerated her co-pilot fairly well, and didn't want Asuka's anger directed at her if she could help it.
"Will you share more of yourself with me, soon?" he asked, his voice tinged with hopefulness.
She wasn't sure exactly what he was referring to. But if he was talking about coming here to the park with him to stare at the small beauty of the lake, she knew the answer to that. And she was sure of that. She liked being with Ikari-kun. She just wondered how she could express her feelings in the right way without seeming so like herself. "If you wish, Shinji-kun."
Just saying his name, delighted her tongue. Much like obeying Ikari-shirei always brought her a keen sense of pleasure. She meant to visit him one day soon after school. It had been so long since her daily summer visits to his house until he had gone on a vacation. She had missed him, but she derived so much pleasure during that time spending it with Ikari-kun, it was hard to tell which she enjoyed more. And that surprised her all the more. She usually knew how she felt even if she couldn't express it as clearly as others might.
"I do wish that," Shinji responded warmly.
She liked his voice as well. She liked everything about Ikari-kun. One day, if she dared she meant to say his name as it was suppose to be said, without the titles and the formalities, just his name. Just as she meant to do a lot of things, but never did them. But this one she wanted to carry out more than all the others combined, even seeing Ikari-shirei after school.
"I think we should go back," he told her, his voice still trickled with a heated tone. "We can make dinner together."
"Will Asuka be helping?" Rei inquired, hoping for a negative answer.
"No, I don't think so," Shinji answered. "I think I pissed her off too much to want to help."
Rei almost felt like she could hear his disappointment. She didn't mind; she liked working with Shinji alone. And making dinner with him was always a fun experience, especially when Shinji was clucking like a mother hen over the kettle of soap. His face was so flushed and excited, most of all, she saw the enjoyment on his face while he worked. Even though Asuka always criticized him for cooking as a 'woman,' she knew that he was happy doing it and saw no reason why he shouldn't do it. She liked doing it because of him even with Asuka's interferences at times.
She sighed happily and Shinji looked at her with concern in his eyes. "Is everything okay?" he asked gently, wanting to make sure everything was fine. He didn't like to hear anything sad anymore; he had had too much sorrow in his life already.
"Yes," she responded, wanting him to offer his hand. She hoped for it; she waited for it. But he didn't offer it. She didn't know if he forget about it or that he was too much in a hurry to get back to Asuka. She didn't care what he thought of how Asuka thought about him, they liked each other. She just hoped that he liked her more.
"If we hurry," Shinji said, his eyes glancing out to somewhere far away, "we can be there in half the time it took us to get here."
She thought he must really want to see Asuka.
"Then," he murmured softly, "I can have more time for your tutoring."
If she was the blushing time, her cheeks would have been tinged pink in pleasure.
She glanced up into his eyes and saw a sincerity in them that made her want
to be expressive--to be joyful. It was times like these that made her believe
she was the only one he had eyes for.