Part 13

"I have told you what happened," Dangyun said bitterly. "What do you think of me now?"

He sat down heavily on a pillow cushion on the wooden floor ready for her disgust. He looked up at her expectantly, waiting for her to say what he expected. He knew she was going to condemn him, how could she not? He had killed a part of her, the closest thing to a mother that she had ever had. He didn't think she'd ever look at him in quite the same light as she always had before, that youthful trusting and unconditional love a child has for a parent.

Siwan flew to him, with her silvery wings tinted with a soft blue hue. "I cannot judge you," she told him, resting her baby soft cheek against his. "I cannot judge you," she repeated to him, "I am not the one to ask for judgement. You must go to her. She's the one you must ask for what you are looking for. Only she can be the one that can judge you. Not me. I can't give you an answer to something I don't understand."

"She must hate me, and you must hate me as well," Dangyun murmured harshly without much thought.

"For both statements, I must sadly tell you you are deeply mistaken. I know I don't hate you, and I'm sure she doesn't hate you," Siwan replied genuinely "Because love is not easily dismissed, Dangyun. No matter how hard you've tried to fight it, if it's true love that you feel, you'll always feel it deep inside. And I know that you aren't the type of person to let love go just like that," she demonstrated by snapping her minature size fingers, "you're the type that every woman would want. You love someone so deeply that it hurts to be apart from her. And she's the same as you. You are one and the same."

"Not anymore," he retorted quickly. "Not anymore."

"I'll be the judge of that," she answered him smartly.

"I thought you said you weren't going to be the judge," he teased back in only a half serious voice.

"You can be very aggravating at times, Dangyun," Siwan muttered beneath her teeth. "I really don't know why I adore you as much as I do. You can really frustrate a girl! No wonder Faa doesn't feel for you anymore!"

He smiled at the tone of her joking voice. "And you, my lovely guardian, can be so charming that it kills," he said with aching sincerity. "I can only think of one person I love more than you, Siwan. And that's only because she got here first," touching his hand on the place on his chest nearest to his heart.

"I know," Siwan replied with a dramatic sigh. "It's a drag to be second best."

"I think you are getting the hang of this century's linguistics, already. And you certainly didn't get it from me," he said pointedly, but gave up pressing it further when she threw him a glaring look. "And, I didn't know you were jealous of Faa."

"Not jealous, never jealous," Siwan mumbled, yawning like a baby. "I could never be jealous of her. Or envious. She's the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever get to."

"Even with those wings of yours?" Dangyun whispered, the joy from his youth resurfacing with a passion.

"So you've gotten out of that horrible mood, you've been in," she noted. "I'm glad; I didn't realize what a big, old, grumpy bear you could be when you really tried to be one. I think I may have loved you a little less in that phase, though I still loved you. I guess I really do feel love then, even though I'm magical? I still have feelings like a real human, don't I? Or is this all made up sensations?"

"No," he answered, "you're as real as me. If anything, I wish every single human was like you, little one. I never thought it was possible," he said with wonder, glancing down at his hands, "to create perfection ever in this world. And you are it. You are perfect, the perfect living creature. Beautiful, radiant, loving, caring, teasing, sweet, witty, adorable, and fabulously you."

Siwan blushed to the roots her hair, and shook her head in the cutish way possible that it wasn't true. She wasn't all those marvelous compliments, though she might be one or two of them. "I think you're speaking of her. You always had a way with words, Dangyun, when you cared to get your head out of the books."

"Faa?" he said her name with the very being in him. "I was never so confident around her as I am around you. She was everything I wanted, and she saw the worst of me in the years before I knew how lucky I was. She saw my horrible anger, my seething frustrations, and worst of all, she saw my dark side."

"None of it is as bad as you think it is," Siwan told him wisely, suddenly speaking in a much more mature voice. "Your anger was merely something you hadn't learn how to control yet. The frustrations weren't as bad as you said they were. Every magician has felt some of it, if not worse than yours. And your dark side, it was merely curiosity of the other 'side' of magic. It wasn't wrong, and you were well within control of it."

"That was the worse part, it was because I was in control that I went so down, so deep, and lost myself in it when she left. When she left, I think I died then," he murmured. "And now, I think I'm starting to live in this new lifetime for this second chance. Do you think I can succeed and receive her forgiveness, Siwan? Do you think she still loves me?"

"I know she still loves you," Siwan replied softly. "How can she not? You two were made for each other. It's only time you've come to realize it."

"She loves another in this dimension," he threw at Siwan.

"And she loved Clow in the last," Siwan remarked, "so what?"

"You knew about Clow?" Dangyun queried. "And she loved him back?"

Siwan giggled lightly, a laugh so sweet it was lyrical. "It's not as you think. Always jealous, aren't you? And you accuse me of being jealous! But, yes, she did love him in return, but not the same love she has for you. If I'm right, it may be the same love she has for this 'new' man in her life, whoever he is. You can't blame Faa for her over generous personality. She was a giver, not a taker. She'd give her love to everyone in the world if she was able to, but she's not and that's the only reason she hasn't."

"Yes," he whispered reverantly, "she was like that. I knew she was special when I first saw her. I never did tell you how I first met her, did I?"

Siwan shook her head. "No, but tell me now. It can be my bedtime story." She yawned again for the added effect of persuasion.

"Okay, but you must go to bed right away after I'm done telling it, agreed?"

"Agreed."

"It's one of my most vivid childhood memories. I remember my mother telling me to 'be polite, be polite to your auntie.' She told me that this was their only child after trying for many years to conceive one. I didn't really understood what she was talking about, being only eight years old at the time. But I knew where we were going, it was important if she was making me wear my hat. Usually I wore them for festivals, so I was expecting great sweets and perhaps a toy. She reminded me once more time before we entered the great big house to 'be nice.'

"I was quite disappointed when I entered the heavy wooden gates to find no celebration going on. The silence was eery, and for a moment I wondered if I was at the unbearable ceremony many younger boys had told me about. But I tried to sense the presense of a ghost and felt none, so I knew it wasn't that event. I did feel something unusual, and I couldn't help but tug my mother to the most extravagant building. Little did I know, I was moving toward the direction she wanted to go. She didn't understand why I was pulling in that way, and when she asked me why, I was foolish enough to tell her, 'I feel an aura mama.'

"She told me, that I was too young to feel something like that. I knew I felt it though. I felt it deep inside of me. It was like sudden recognition. And now I know what it was, the meeting of two halves finally feeling each other for the first time in centuries. It was probably for that reason I was able to distinguish it as an aura, though my magical training had been only the most basics of things. I had just begun learning about auras when we had left to attend this, so naturally my mother wouldn't have believed me.

"She reminded me once more to 'be polite. Be kind. Be good.' And somehow she didn't need to tell me to be gentle when Lady Chang came over with the baby. It was then I used the little knowledge I had on seeking out auras and found the baby's to be a snowy white, unusual in it's luminous light. It was a wonder the others didn't sense it. The power was extremely strong in one so newly born. It was pulsing with life and joy and love.

"I tried again to tell my mother she had an aura. She denied it to me in my face, and I didn't pursue it any longer. I knew when to give up. The sting of defeat made my face sullen, and it was when I was bending my head down that I met her green eyes. I knew I'd never be alone ever again. I'd found a true friend in her. She then raised up her tiny baby fists into the air, trying to grab something, but not exactly getting there. I knew what she wanted. I asked my auntie, 'can I hold her?'

"I thought she'd deny my request; my mother intervene and told her I was a careful boy. And so she let me hold her. I got a weird feeling of euphoria as I held her in my arms for the first time. I don't think I've ever let go since. I don't think I could even if I wanted to."

"More," Siwan requested, her eyes drooping to half mast.

"Sweet dreams, little one."


Part 14

"Faa," began the beautiful Clow, "you must leave Dangyun. You know you have to," he said with such a heavy voice of retrospection. "It's the only thing I can think of that is of a great enough consequence to rip him away from delving further into the dark arts. Didn't that last spell scare you? He revels in the dark powers, and I think you're the only thing that he wants badly enough to stop doing what he's doing. You know it's wrong, Faa-chan."

"I know," she whispered sorrowfully. "But what if I'm not strong enough?"

"You have to be strong. You mustn't go back to him until he agrees to burn everything having to deal with black magic. The path he's leading is wrong, he's one of the strongest practioners of white magic that I know, and he could be the best," Clow murmured with a slight awe in his voice.

"Even better than you?" she inquired unsteadily.

"Even better than me," he told her gravely.

"But," she started, then paused to give her some time to form the right words, "it's unbearable for me to be away from him. I know you mean well; it's just so hard for me not to be there for him. I know he isn't evil, Clow-kun. He's just misguided. He has this insatiable curiosity and wants to be the best at everything. Is that so wrong, Clow-kun? To want to fulfill your potential?"

"No," he answered honestly. "But why do it the wrong way?"

"I don't know why," she responded, almost near tears.

"You understand him better than anyone I know," he said reverently, while gathering her up into his arms. He wanted, he needed to comfort her in this moment of pain and uncertainty. He wondered if his best friend knew how much he was tearing Faa up inside by not doing as she ask and quitting black magic. Didn't Dangyun understand that Faa was pure good and if he was corrupted with the stain of darkness, that it could very well destroy her?

He had never known someone with such a pure heart and such a giver of love. Didn't Dangyun see what he had in her? Didn't he know what a treasure she was in this in all the lifetimes that Dangyun might have? How could he not know that Faa was the most precious of human beings in the universe? He felt a wetness on the hollow of his throat and wanted to pound some sense into his best friend. How he could hurt her, he didn't know.

"He has so much to lose," he said hoarsely, his voice envious. Dangyun had everything, the magical aura to command both light and dark magic. And he had the most wondrous girl of all. Yet still he wasn't satisfied, still he yearned for more. Clow was almost as jealous of Faa because she had grown closer to Dangyun than he ever could as he was envious of Dangyun.

"Yes, he does," she answered. "You're his best friend."

He wanted to break out laughing, manically. How could Dangyun not know what he had in her? Not only was she a gorgeously beautiful person outside, but also inside! She didn't even see her own exquisiteness! She saw good in every person, or at least tried to. Even though he was reputed to be the kinder magician, he wondered how much different he really was from Dangyun. Maybe the only reason he hadn't tried black magic was because he'd knew he would fail where Dangyun had succeeded.

"He wants you more," he finally replied, knowing she needed conversation to take her mind off the difficult task she would have to do. And suddenly, he felt like he needed to confess to her what he felt. "And he's not the only one, you know. I feel the same for you as he does."

"I had a feeling you did," she answered with a miserable voice. She had thought that he was infatuated with her newfound beauty. She knew she was a late boomer because her mother had told her the whole family was like that. She just hadn't expected anything quite like this sudden and remarkable transformation into a beauty. She was now pretty. It was only lately she had noticed Clow making eyes at her new face and she thought it would just fade when the newness became drabness.

"And what do you think of my feelings?" he asked, knowing he'd probably feel horrible afterwards. He was proud of himself that he managed to keep his voice so calm and unconcerned of what her crushing answer might be.

"I think it's only because of the startling metamorphosis I've gone through," she stated plainly.

"Then, you seriously underestimate yourself, Faa-chan," Clow told her gently, still holding her close against his well-muscled chest. "I've felt this way for a very long time."

Of all possible replies, she hadn't been expecting this. She searched her memories for any evidence of what he said might be true, and she found that all that he said could be true. She wondered if she had been blinded by her adulation of Dangyun all this time to not see such clear devotion. She must have caused him pain, and her heart ached all the more. She had never wanted to hurt anyone.

The tears streamed down her face all the more rapidly, heavily like a storm manifesting itself from a hidden pause. She saw clearly now that he had always been very kind and attentive to her when Dangyun was occupied with his spell-casting. When Dangyun wasn't around, it was Clow that had kept her amused. When Dangyun had pushed her away because he was more like her brother then than now, Clow had comforted her and offered her a bit of sweets.

She stared up into his eyes and broke away from his grasp. "I never knew," she cried out with anguish. "I never knew."

Clow had a pained expression in the usual warmth of his eyes. He reached for her, to try and console her, but let his arm fall limply to his side. She needed a strength from within her, that he didn't know if she had inside of her. He never ever wished to hurt her, but he had done exactly that. And worse, he had torn her from her true love. He wanted to ask for her forgiveness, but knew this wasn't the time.

"I know you don't feel as I do about you," he blurted out. "But it doesn't matter, Faa. It doesn't matter. I only want you to be happy. I only wish for you to be happy, and that will be enough for me!"

Her lush lips trembled, her body shivered, and she closed her eyes. She seemed to gather herself within her, and seek some place he couldn't follow. It was then that he knew, she had all the strength in the world resting in her heart. And when she opened her eyes, her tears had dried, and she no longer was shaking. Her gaze was so steady, he felt as if she could see into his soul.

"I'll do it, if you really think it will succeed."

It was minutes after she said it, that the reality came crashing down, and he realized what she was talking about. She wasn't as strong as he hoped she would be. She wasn't perfect; she was only human. And he loved her only more for that. And like any human, anything that was too difficult to take now, had to put behind or beside them and ignore it until the day of when they might meet the challenge face on.

"Yes, I do."


Sakura bolted straight up from the bed, knocking the teddy bear that Syaoran had given her to the ground. She stared solemnly around the room before she broke down into a silent sort of sobbing, the quiet crying of a person in such extreme pain that the noise only adds to it. She didn't want to believe all that her past self had dealt with. And she knew it was no dream, it wasn't a foretelling as much as it was information that she needed. She couldn't help but cry.

She felt how much Clow loved her, felt his thoughts and her own, as if she was there in the minds of two of them. How she wanted to change what had happened then! What had made Dangyun so evil or was it because he wasn't evil that it hurt to think of him? It was dangerous, what she felt for him, she realized. It was confusing, what she felt for Clow--Eriol. And she did feel something for him.

I can almost understand, Faa! I can almost grasp at the missing piece of what happened! But I need more information, more memories! How can I gather something from so long ago? Tell me how I can find all the memories that are trapped in this eternal soul of mine? I know you sent this dream to me. You've been trying to help me all this time. You want something to be discovered, but what is it, Faa-chan? What is it that has been the missing puzzle to this mystery? What is it that has caused all this misery to so many good men? Is it me?

"Sakura!" exclaimed Syaoran as he entered the room, Kero and company peering in from behind before he slammed the door in their faces. "Are you okay?" he asked gently. "I heard you crying, and you can't deny it," he remarked with a wavering voice, "you've got tear streaks."

"Yes, I've been crying," she answered honestly.

"Did you have a dream?" he inquired as he gathered her into his arms, much like Clow.

"Yes," she replied. "But it wasn't really a dream."

"Tell me about it," he urged. "Maybe it will help to defeat Dangyun."

"It wasn't about that," she stated, not wanting to hear anything about hurting Dangyun. "It was more of a scene from the depths of my memories. And I can't really remember it," she continued, a look of hard thinking passing over her face. "I need more time to think of what I can remember. Can I be left alone for a few minutes? I need to have some time to gather myself."

"Sure," Syaoran said reluctantly. He brushed a kiss on her lips before releasing her to what she needed to do. "I'll be outside your door if you need me," he reminded her.

"I know," she replied with a beautiful smile. "I know."

He nodded and opened the door softly and glared at the heads wanting to see if Sakura is okay. "She wants some time to think, so just go eat breakfast!" he growled to the crowd. "She said she's fine, she just wants to be alone right now, okay?"

Sakura sighed as she crossed her legs, Indian style and felt her lips tremble. Her body began to shiver, and she closed her eyes knowingly. She searched within herself for the strength that Clow had said he thought she had in her, but didn't. Did she have it now? She thought carefully of all that she had ever known, all her childhood memories, all the card capturing days, and the new memories that had opened up.

He's right, she thought. I don't have the strength to do whatever he thought I could do. I'm not strong enough. But could I defeat Dangyun, even I had the strength? How can I kill someone that I feel such a deep connection to? And now, I don't even know if I can honestly say to Syaoran that he's the only one that has my heart. Clow, Dangyun, Shaolin, Eriol, Syaoran--how much pain must I cause before it's all solved? And at least four of them will be hurt by me, again.

How did Faa deal with such a burden? She's so much like me; she never wanted to hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt anyone; I never want to cause anyone pain. But how can I avoid it? I've got to choose; and I have to fight him and risk everything. It would have been better if he just killed me. Quick and swift, it would be easier to die and disappoint all of them.

It was with that thought that she felt a rush of such speed whirl around her, air blowing such a power, such a strength of will that she knew it had to be Faa. She tried to concentrate on what it might be telling her and the only thing that she could think of was: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!

"I need a clearer answer," she answered the wind--Faa. "I need a clearer answer," she cried out. "I need some clarity!"

"Sakura, are you okay?" she heard three voices ask her--Syaoran, Eriol, and Shaolin.

"Please," she begged going down to her knees, despite the wind's--Faa's protestions, "I can't do this."

You can, and you will.

Sakura was left with that thought and a short push, gentle and encouraging. She wondered if it was her positive thinking that had thought that or was it Faa's or something beyond even what she could hope for? She didn't know if she could succeed; she knew she couldn't hurt Dangyun, she dreaded to even think she had to. And she certainly didn't know how to solve it except for the inevitable, she would have to fight him.

A soft, gentle knocking rapped on her door, she called out, "you guys might as well come in."

She was surprised to see only Eriol walk in with an ancient looking scroll in his hands. Before she could ask him what it was, he answered for her. "It's a missive, from Dangyun. I'm surprised he's taking everything from the traditionalist's perspective. But nevertheless, he's sent it, and you can't refuse it. He said to meet at the Penguin's Park at 6:00. It's when his dark magic is the strongest, evening.

"This will be your longest, hardest, most challenging battle, Sakura. I hope you know that whatever happens, you must never give up or give in. Even though he isn't a bad person nor is he evil, it's his fault if anything happens to him. Just fight, and everything you've ever wanted, you will have. You've made your choice clear enough," he said, the smile appearing on his face distinctly sad. "Now, you've just got to keep it that way, and have no regrets."

She bent her head, wondering what she would do if what she wanted was really the one thing she couldn't have.


Chapter 15

"And so it has begun," Dangyun declared heavily to Siwan, who stood on his shoulder with an equally solemn expression. One of his hands moved up to offer her a perch in the resting place of his palm so that he could converse with her face to face. They stared at each other for a long time, contemplating what must be done. His eyes were dark and unholy, filled with a deep unsettling horror; her eyes were innocent to all that had happened with a look of uncontained melancholy. She ached for the grief that was so clearly on his mind. He was in pain over what was to come. There was no stopping the inevitable.

"You don't have to fight her," Siwan told him, quietly. Her soft luminous eyes clearly begging him not to fight the only mother she had ever known. It nearly worked, that simple, heartfelt look, but Dangyun was made of sterner stuff. She knew the minute he harden his resolve to what he set out what he intended to do. "It doesn't have to end this way," she said softly and sadly, trying a last plea. "It doesn't have to end this way."

"You believe I can end it again, kill her again?" he said harshly, his voice filled with such agony at her reasoning. Siwan didn't even know how he could have killed her the first time if he was in such pain as he obviously was now. "What if she wins? What if she's the one that does the killing this time? Would that make things equal? Would that even the score? What if I don't fight her, and do the honorable thing and let her live happily with Shaolin's reincarnation? Would that make me a better person?"

"No," she declared with an aching gentleness. Her hand pressed a tiny indention into his face as a frown crossed her features. "Because it was not meant to be that way," she responded, her words carrying a wisdom far beyond her childishly sweet voice. "All that has happened, was meant to happen this way. There is nothing anyone can do to change it, and you were never meant to give in in such a way! You aren't like that. You're stronger than anyone knows, and it's not just about magic.

"You're strong because you love."

"Yes," Dangyun answered with a passionately bitter voice, "I am stronger than anyone knows! Because of my love, I'm the one that can hurt her more than anyone I know. I'm the one that has hurt her the most! Is that what you call my strong point? Is that what you call strength, Siwan?"

"No," she whispered, her face saddened, "that was simply a mistake. A mistake which you can make right if you tried."

"It's too late for that," he grimly determined. "The past can't be changed, and I killed her. I don't know if I felt more sinister delight in giving her the unhappiness I felt when I saw her with him or if my disgusted remorse made me feel dead inside. All I feel is incredibly empty inside, now. I wouldn't mind to end it in the way that you think me incapable of."

"It's the coward's way out," Siwan murmured, staring him in the eye.

"No," he said softly, "it's the only path that's available. It isn't cowardly as much as it's heroic, don't you think? It gives her a peace of mind…"

"To know that you're dead? To know that the love of her life killed himself because he thought that was the right thing to do?" Siwan exclaimed, her voice wild with emotion. "Do you think she wants that? Faa never wanted anyone to be hurt, and it doesn't matter what they did to her. She wants everybody to be happy, even if the penalty is her death. She'd take that resort if that was the only way to solve a problem!"

"I can't live with her with him, and I don't think I can kill her again," he responded, his dark eyes staring down at his hands as if they were stained with the undeniable mark of blood. "It's the only way, I'm in pain just to think of her together with him.. and if they were united in marriage--I don't think I could stand it."

"You need to see her again," Siwan advised him, cutting his suicidal thoughts off. "You've made it this far without killing yourself for what you've done to her. I think revenge has kept you going, but it's not as satisfying as you thought it would be, was it? Now all you wish for is for her to give you a reason to live or you will see through your threat to Shaolin, am I right? Because you have no choice? And if you can't do that you'll find the solution in your death?"

"She was my reason for breathing; she was my only reason for all that I had done," Dangyun whispered. "I only wished she had understood. If only…"

"What?" Siwan inquired with an expression of surprise, giving her back the youthful charm she normally displayed when she wasn't trying to knock some sense into her master. "What are you talking about?"

"If she had come to me with her requests, I would have given up the dark arts. She didn' tknow how much I loved her, I think, until I killed her. If only I had been clearer, if only I hadn't been so ridiculous in trying to be the best, to know the most about magic. But if I had known that my research in black magics had alarmed her, I know I would have quit. I hated making her unhappy. I just wanted her to love me for me, and not for who she thought I was. I'm not the greatest magician that ever lived, nor was I ever going to be--that honor was Clow's."

"What route will you choose for this battle?" she asked, switching easily to another topic for discussion. "Elements, guardians, talismans, spells…"

Dangyun knew what she was referring to. Siwan wanted to know if she had to do any fighting against her beloved Faa--Sakura. This had to be one of the most painful moments in his life, thought it was way behind the act of killing his true love. He didn't know how he was able to do the deed. It was almost unthinkable now, but somehow he had done just that. Somehow he had killed her, and here he was trying to do it again

I can't be at peace knowing what I've done. But I can't be at peace knowing she's there, with another. And when I see her, in her new form, I fall more in love with her than ever before. Somehow, she's stronger, and is it because she now has magical powers? Does that make my attraction to her stronger than ever? I want to love her in a pure way, but I'm not sure how to. And so be it… FaaSakura, I haven't made my decision on what to do with you yet, but I know I can't kill you again, for the second time. I'll just have to make you love me the way I love you.

Because killing you last time, ripped my heart into shreds. I don't know how to show you that I care. I don't have pretty words, or a gruff affectionate nature. I'm who I am, Dangyun, a man who will always be driven with the curiosity of things that aren't right. Can you live with that? You loved me once when I was practicing the dark arts, can you love me now after I have killed you? But there's no option, it's my death or your love. And I want to make you love me.

I want to make you love me…

Deep in the soul, all consuming, with a fire that will never die. It only burns stronger in the face of adversary. And no matter what can't be extinguished.

"Dangyun?"

"I'm not sure, but I know I'm not going to kill her, Siwan," he answered, throwing her an apologetic smile for letting his thoughts run away with him.

"Then, what are you going to do?" she asked with a blooming curiosity.

"Why, make her love me of course," he repiled with an ease that belied his shaking hands.


"It's time, Sakura," Eriol told her with his solemn voice. "Dangyun is waiting for us at the Penguin Park. We should be on time," he smiled, remembering how she always late for school. How he wished those day were now, instead of the past! "Let's see what the terms are to this one on one battle between the two most powerful magicians I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in all of my lifetimes."

"I can't beat him," she whispered to him raggedly. "I know I can't fight him. I can't do it, Eriol-kun. I just can't! It would be like fighting myself. He's so much a part of me that I can't stand to harm him. Do you understand where this is coming from? You have memories of the past, of when you were Clow Reed, you must have some knowledge of how difficult this is… how difficult it is to fight him."

"Yes, I do know," Eriol replied with a roughness, a jerkiness to his tone, as if he didn't want to tell her this. "You two deserved to be together. I don't know if my past self knew this was going to happen or not because somehow all the memories of those thoughts have been blocked off, as if I believed I could escape this--this nightmare. But I can't, no one can. And this is the hardest for you, I do know that it's my fault that you died. I wasn't there to fight him because I was a coward, and I never believed he would go as far as to harm a hair on your head.

"Dangyun loved you so much, too much even. Maybe that's why he killed you, and that's why he's here today. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I've never seen two people more in love with each other. I don't believe you loved Shaolin the way you love Dangyun, and you can't deny you still feel something for him. I can hear it in your voice, and see it in your eyes. You still love him; you still want to be the light in his darkness. And you are that."

"But--what about you, Eriol?"

He shivered inside to hear him say his name, his name! It was what he had always hoped for, just not in these circumstances. He had always wished, and he had gotten that wish. Now, he knew what he must do. "You loved me like you loved a brother," he responded calmly, comfortingly, knowing he would do anything for her and cherishing the love she did have for him. "I'm like family; after all, isn't a part of me your father?"

Her eyes had started to have this wildness that subsided with the warmth of his words. He was glad to have been able to reassure her. He vowed to do everything to restore her peace of mind, and in everything, support her, just like a brother. "You never really loved Shaolin with a passion," he told her. He sensed a protest about to burst forth from her, and he explained, "I do know you love Syaoran with the tenderness of a lover." He saw her blush and a slow smile without a trace of sadness crossed his features, "this will be a hard choice, Sakura. You can't have both. They are too different, but so much alike… if you think about it."

"Yes, they are similar," she murmured with wonder.

"Both of them are stubborn as mules, and dashingly handsome. And if anything, both command a great deal of magic, their own special brand of it," Eriol said softly. "You don't need to worry about Shaolin's feelings. And I'll tell you why," when he saw a confusion in her eyes, "it's because while he did fall in love with you, and you did love him to a degree. I believe he only acted the way he did to get back at me. Though, he does love you; you were never meant to be his. You were suppose to be Dangyun's, and now, if you chose you could be Syaoran's. It's a tough decision that has to be made, Sakura-chan.

"Now, it's about time we leave to meet Dangyun," he reminded her, calmly like he had been expecting this moment since the beginning of time and knew it was useless to try and escape it. "I know you'll make the right decision, Sakura. It doesn't matter if it's Dangyun or Syaoran, I'll support you either way. Because one was my best friend, and the other my younger brother. I can't tell you anything more than: just follow your heart, and it will lead you to your destine fate."

Sakura had thought of all that he had just told her. The thoughts swirling in her head so fast she didn't know what she was going to do about all this information he had just imparted on her. She knew she had to thank him from the depths of her heart. He had made her decision easy without the hurt in having to reject him. In her soul, in her spirit she knew that the choice had always been between Syaoran and Dangyun.

Before that, there was only Dangyun. And now, it should have been only Dangyun. If only the past hadn't been so wretched, she might have had the chance of a pure love, untainted with the thoughts of another man, dark and mysterious, whose soulmate she knew she had been before. And whose soulmate, she maybe still was and always meant to be.

She didn't care if they all had to wait for minutes or hours still she gathered her thoughts, weighing the merits of Dangyun versus Syaoran. And in the end, after heavy deliberating, thoughts of the Dangyun and Syaoran, she knew she had come to no conclusion. She looked up, and met Eriol in the face and said, "I don't know."

"No, I didn't think you'd be able to make that decision right now. But it's still time to see Dangyun for the fight of your life. Sooner or later, you're going to have to choose. This battle gives you time, Sakura. Don't let this fall into last minute's hands. Think of it, ponder it, and know it when the time is right. You know your heart better than anyone, let it decide for you and think nothing of it when the decision is made. Don't second guess your intuition, it's always the right choice when it comes to matters of the heart."

"Who do you think I should be with?" she asked deliberately, putting him on the spot.

"Me," he answered simply. "I think you should be with me."

She smiled then, in the first time for days, with a radiance that was truly pure and without the weight of her burdens. It was a smile that could turn any man's heart, and to a man whose heart she already had, it just made him want her more. But he knew now, that it wasn't meant to be. And for the first time in his life, he was satisfied with being just loved in the unromantic way. That he knew was the right thing to do, and he gladly did it.

He wanted her to love him in the way she loved Dangyun and Syaoran. But he knew it wasn't to be.


Part 16

He heard the small gasp of surprise spring forth from Siwan's perfectly small mouth, a soft utterance of sound that was filled with more joy than he thought possible. Sakura had clearly arrived and was everything Siwan had expected, so beautiful--so unattainable. He ran a hand through his long, silky black hair, a wry smile gracing his well-formed lips. He was as nervous as a prospective groom, and if it were a situation that wasn't so serious, he might have laughed at these jittery nerves. It was crazy to feel this way. He didn't even know if she still felt the same way about him anymore. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't. He had committed the most horrible crim against her; he had killed her. But his mind mentally nagged him, remind him of the electricity of their touch before--at the park. The spark between them was still there.

"We're here, Dangyun," an all too familiar voice announced.

Dangyun turned around slowly to find a younger version of Clow Reed, staring at him with a mixture of emotions. He felt a surge of regret go through his body at the loss of their friendship, but an equal part of him hated this reincarnation of Clow from taking Faa away from him. Clow was the only one who could have done the deed, the only one who could have convinced Faa to leave him. And he had done that awful deed, resulting in this reality--this present. There was now a price to pay for that interference; they no longer were friends, a terrible change from the closeness they had shared even in their rivalry.

His dark brown eyes shifted to the two similar boys standing next to Sakura; they were twins. But one wore red robes and the other, green. He knew Shaolin well enough to distinguish that the one in red was him, and the other was his reincarnation. And as he studied both of them, he found he no longer cared anymore that Faa had given herself to Shaolin, he knew she had never loved him. She had just been lost because of Clow's bad judgment and his own blindness for not seeing that his dabbling into the dark arts were frightening her.

Yet… she did love this new Shaolin. He saw it in the way she held his hand like they were entwined together. But the curious thing was that she also held Eriol's hand. He wondered if she felt more for this new Clow than she had for the former one. The hand-holding didn't tell him enough of her emotions because her grip was loose, more friendly than anything. But her fingers were tightly wrapped around Syaoran's, an equal grip that spoke of a deep connection and understanding between the two. Slowly, his gaze swept to Sakura. His eyes began to burn as her image was entrenched into his mind, overwhelming all over thoughts, consuming his soul. He couldn't believe he had killed someone as sweet as her, someone akin to an angel. She was the closest he had come to Heaven, and he had traded it for Hell. He wanted to say something to her, but the words wouldn't come out. No matter how hard he tried. And God knows he tried.

"There is no need for formalities," Eriol decleared as he released Sakura's hand and stepped forward toward Dangyun. "State your terms and reasons for this battle, Dangyun."

Dangyun's throat convulsed, and it took him a minute to find his voice, "It will be an Elemental Test with 4 phases: fire, earth, water, and air. Sakura will choose three guardians to help with the battle. I will have only Siwan to even the odds. Do you accept, love?"

Sakura had been staring intently at this foe, this man she didn't want to fight. His deep timbre, the sheer warm in the endearment made her knees quack. She believed that he had been a fixture in her life, her reason for living back then. She had to remind herself that--that: He killed you, Sakura. He killed me. Why do I still feel this way when--when I'm near him? All I want to do is run to him and make up to him. But a part of me resists, a part of me just wants to remember that Syaoran is my life and focus. He's my reason for living now, not this past love of my life.

"Faa? You need to answer," piped up an adorable voice. The small fairy-like creature dazzled the crowd as she glowed a radiant gold before growing from thumb size to that of a small child, her fighter mode. "I am Siwan; I knew you before," she introduced herself.

"Her name is Sakura, now," Dangyun reminded Siwan as he held out a hand to the child size guardian.

Siwan took his hand and turned to stare so deeply at Sakura that she felt that the girl was reading her life scroll through her eyes. "She's mostly Faa; she's as close as it gets. I just thought…" her voice trailed off at the end, leaving a hidden explanation unexplained.

Dangyun's thoughts whirled at what Siwan had said. What did she mean? What could Siwan possibly mean? She doesn't say things for no reason, but how could Sakura not be Faa? Is it even possibly to be partly something? He glanced intently at Siwan. Yes, it's possible, she proves that two parts of a soul can be in one. But how in a person? Is that what she means, or is it just that Sakura is a bit different that Faa because she contains magic? It must be the magic…

Eriol glanced back at Sakura with worried eyes, knowing she now had to make a choice between the men she loved. He knew it would be a hard decision of either Syaoran or Shaolin. It was just a matter of which she should choose; she should choose Syaoran. Both of them looked at her expectantly, the question in their eyes as Dangyun's deep voice broke through the air with such power and control, "Name your three choices, Sakura."

She didn't hesitate as she named them with an ease that belied the turmoil in her decision. "Kero, Yue, and Eriol will be my guardians," she declared lightly. She had almost thought she made a mistake, but she knew in her heart that EriolClow needed this chancethis opportunity, and he was the right one for the job. She felt the hurt in both Syaoran's and Shaolin's gaze, but she ignored it. She had to concentrate on this battle. She couldn't waste time going over in her head who should have been the third guardian; she already made up her mind, and she was going to stick to it.

"I am Kero," rumbled the lion as he strolled over to stand in front of Sakura, a protectiveness in his stance, admirable, "the sun guardian."

"Yue," said the silver haired youth simply, beautiful in his angellic air, "the moon guardian to Sakura."

"You know me, Dangyun," Eriol murmured softly. "The reincarnation of Clow Reed, Eriol. I will be Sakura's third guardian."

"And so it begins," Dangyun remarked in a voice of ire, "winner of three of the four phases takes the stated prize. In the event of a tie, the battle moves into a free-for-all, magician and guardians fighting together in unison, whoever succumbs to calling quits loses. My stated prize is Sakura. She will leave with me if I win."

Eriol's eyes widened as he declared the tie-breaker a free-for-all. He hadn't been expecting that. It was three guardians vs. his Siwan, but then again Sakura didn't know many spells by word of mouth. She depended heavily on her Clow Cards, and terms for the tie-breaker didn't need to be made until they saw it would be needed. He hoped they didn't have to go that far. They had to win three and their best bets were fire, earth, and air. Kero would a big asset in this battle.

"State your prize, love," said Dangyuin in almost a caress.

Syaoran's hand clenched up at his side at the tenderness in the sorceror's voice. This man didn't deserve to treat Sakura this way, as if he were her lover! He had killed her, and he certainly didn't deserve a second chance with her. His anger was directed almost in an unreasonable way toward Dangyun because he didn't want his animosity for her choice in Eriol instead of him to impede them in the battle in anyway. He would be supportive of her decision, even though he hated it. He wanted to be the one fighting by her side. But he knew if anything, she was looking out for him. Besides, he was the one meant for her in this lifetime. Not Dangyun. And certainly not Shaolin.

"That," she began in a shaky voice, "you promise to go back and never return. I don't want to see you again--if I win!"

Her voice wasn't convincing to him and that caused a tremble of hope in his heart. And he couldn't resist asking as lightly as he could force his voice out, "Are you sure of that?" Then the fear took over him. If he lost, he'd never see her again. It was almost an unbearable thought. Except, when he noticed the wild, unsure look in her her eyes. It had not been an easy choice for her. She did feel something for him. He just wished he knew how much and how deeply it went.

She didn't answer him, if she did speak… her heart would cry out it's answer. No! No, I'm not sure of anything anymore! I need Faa's help, her guidance more than anything. Where are you when I need you, Faa? How can I feel this way about two men? And Eriol was included, until--until he decided for me. I can't make up my mind; I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I don't know anything anymore. She closed her eyes and tried to feel the breeze, but there was nothing. Nothing at all, not a whisper, not a murmur. Faa wasn't there. She was on her own.

A part of me wants to be Syaoran's loyally without a doubt bonded to him. And a part of me yearns for Dangyun, and it's so hard to know which part is right. Which one should I follow? Both desires are rooted in my heart, and I know I have to choose one of them. But I want them bothI love them both. How is that possible? Isn't there only suppose to be one soulmate for one soul? Isn't that suppose to be what true love is? Something you know and you feel for only one person, the one that was meant for you. Why do they both feel like they were made for me?

"Sakura," Eriol said quietly as he nudged her in the side, "it's time to begin. Dangyun has deferred the choice to you."

She was confused; she was hazy coming out of those thoughts, indecisive. She had no idea was Eriol was referring to. "Deferred choice?"

"He has allowed you to choose the first elemental," he explained.

Her mind blanked. She had to choose! She hadn't made any decisions lately, so what would she do? What would she choose? What were the four phases anyways? The elements… Water, earth, fire, and air. Which one, which one? "Water," she answered without thinking, coming up with the first one she thought of. "I choose water."

Eriol was stunned at her choice, he was sure they were going to lose this battle. It was never good to start off with a loss. But he simple nodded and gave her a reassuring smile and spoke with a confidence he did not feel, "We'll show him that you're the most powerful rival he'll ever have, even more than Clow Reed."

She returned his smile not sure if she even wanted to win or lose.